Running on Empty and Other Ravings of a Malcontent

Bill Withers

2009-10-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

Some Bill Withers videos and an interview.

Ok bed time.

Sinead O'Connor

2009-10-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

Remember when Sinead tore the picture of the Pope on SNL, and people were wacked out. Well she was right he was turning a blind eye to the child abuse going on at the time. Well thats old news but here are some videos of her which some are new to me and some not but I like.
Mother Pink Floyd Cover - Sinead with Roger Waters (one of my favorite male vocalists) with Levon Helm from The Band (top 5 song The Weight)after the Berlin wall fell. I saw some of this Cindi Lauper sang as well as The Scorpions.
Haunted - Duet with Shane McGowan of the Pogues, another original voice.

Thank You - For you churchies this was covered by David Crowder and played as a part of worship music at some churches.

I Believe in You - Had to post Eddie Izzard introduces her

3 degrees of Glenn Campbell (Jimmy Webb)

2009-10-24T20:58:00.001-07:00

R.E.M. Galveston and Witchita Lineman with interview parts.

The Highwaymen - The Highwayman

Isaac Hayes - By the time I get to Phoenix

Art Garfunkel - All I Know

Generation Kill

2009-10-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

Generation Kill is based on Evan Wright's, played by Lee Tergeson (from OZ), a reporter for Rolling Stone Magazine while he was embedded with the Marines First Recon during the invasion of Iraq. Like Band of Brothers war is not glamorized nor are the protagonists, in fact Marine Sargent Rudy Reyes plays himself. At first its hard to recognize the characters at first secondary to the crew cuts and fatigues. Alexander Skarsgård is a dead ringer for Brad 'Iceman" Colbert, the main protagonist, who I developed a man crush on, is the leader of Team One. James Ransone's is his driver, Cpl. Josh Ray Person. He is similar to the character Ziggy he played in HBO's The Wire. A non-stop stream of conscious speaker, hilarious at times and uncomfortable at others. What is presented as competent 'Grunts' who are surrounded by incompetent officers. There are some exceptions like Capt. America who is scarily incompetent. Here are some clips which do better than I do in explaining.

Here is the last scene with Johnny Cash playing over.

Four out of Four stars.

Worst Popular/Mainstream group

2009-10-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

My friend Chris maintains the worst band that receives the best critical reviews is Steely Dan. While I don't particularly like them I don't distain them. My previous argument was ZZ Top primarily because of the whole Eliminator album (I don't mind some of their older stuff). My newest argument is The Fabulous Thunderbirds. Do you have a worst band? What say you?
Steely Dan

The Fabulous Thunderbirds

What the hell

2009-10-09T12:18:00.001-07:00

Seems like I do this every year at this time of the year and stop. Oh well, we will see how long this lasts. I am not so angsty or feel the need to rant and rave, but mainly post music videos if I can instead of bombarding facebook. I am perusing some drafts I didn't post, I don't know why I was doing some of them; I have one on Dr. Colossus from the Simpsons for some reason. But as the title of the post suggests "What the hell." (I use lower case cause I don't believe in a place called Hell (besides someplaces here on Earth), I think those are part of a song lyric. Oh God it's from an INXS song. No where to go but down from here. Sigh. :0)

Random thoughts while on ran

2008-12-20T12:18:00.001-08:00

First a couple of highlights of my run 1.) no cramps 2.) two coyotes trotted past me about 20ft away which was cool 3.) Saw an owl 4.)John Denver's Farewell Andromeda (Welcome to My Morning) picked me up around the 12th mile, beautiful day.

I run in a relatively suburbia but there are farms around and running past a bunch of cows a thought popped into my head. What if everyone's religious beliefs were true? So I am thinking maybe some of these cows are reincarnated people (Hinduism+Buddhism) and others are just normal cows, not only hear but in India, and what if they have human thoughts. I wasn't thinking about the horrors of breeding but of the eating kind. Just can't imagine what they would be thinking or if they tried to talk to their non-reincarnated cows. It kept me entertained for a little bit. Maybe I'll lay off the red meat for awhile, also will keep my cholesterol down. :oP

Soul Cravings #13 2008

2008-12-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

Updated 12/2/08

Last year I picked this book up on a whim, (its funny how things work out sometimes), I start reading it and I can't put it down. (This is all happening in the aftermath of the VT shootings and it was serendipitous). Things going through my mind were being addressed and expounded upon with every turn of the page. My mind was abuzz and then I bonked, I think it was too much for me and subconsciously I put it down for a few weeks. Various times I wanted to post material, it is such a cogent book. Not that I think or thought more than a handful of people would read my blog I decided to ask permission to reproduce a chapter. So I faxed a chicken scratch note to the good folks at mosaic and lo and behold permission granted.
One thing I request and reccommend is you visit:
(check out the trailer),, and , as well as looking in to the books he has authored.

If you are in L.A. check out a service. If you really identify with Mosaic, there are contacts etc in many states, seek and you will find them (a link on one of the sites :0)) One more endorsement, if you know someone who is on the fence buy this book for them or yourself - if nothing else print out the following or crib from it heavily.

This is from Erwin Rafael McManus' book Soul Cravings

Entry #13 Home Alone

PROBABLY THE REOCCURING QUESTION I GET FROM people who are struggling with the existence of God concerns the issue of evil and human suffering. It's kind of hard to believe in God when he lets us screw up the world so badly. It's like kids wreaking havoc because they're home alone. Yeah, the kids should have been more responsible, but the parents should have known better. Or were they absolutely oblivious to what their kids were capable of?
The short version of the argument sort of goes like this:
If there is a God, why does he allow such horrible things to happen?
So let's say there is no God.
If we agree that there is no God, is there still evil in the world? Are we still living on a planet filled with violence? Is our history still marred by murder, oppression, and corruption? Are there still hundreds of millions of people starving, while we callously throw away our leftovers?
If there is no God, is there still evil?
The answer, of course is yes.
Well, if there is no God and we still have a problem of evil, who should we hold responsible?

The good thing about God
is that we can blame him
for everything

But the question remains: Who's to blame?
Who's to blame that millions of people are going to die of AIDS in Africa? That millions of children are left orphaned and starving without any help or hope? That women are set on fire in India so that their husbands can be free to marry someone else and pick up another dowry? That millions of people are buried in the killing fields of Cambodia? That millions of children are living in urban garbage dumps throughout Latin America, homeless and alone?
There's no God, so we can't blame him.
Now that we've eliminated God, who's left?
All we have left is us.
Part or our problem in making sense of life is that we can't even make sense of ourselves. We want to blame God because we don't want to take responsibility for our mess. We stop believing in God because he won't change it. Is it possible that God does, in fact, exist, and we are still fully responsible for the human condition?
Is it possible that God created us with the power to create the world of our choosing?
In truth it is not we who have a right to be mad at God, but it is God who has a right to be mad at us. Usually what follows is our God-is-still-to-blame-catch-22. Even if it's our fault, why doesn;t God fix it? Exactly how would he do that? Let's consider the options.
For God to create a perfect world, there seems to be a limited number of scenarios possible. The first scenario is, he could just get rid of us all. That would pretty much fix the problem right away. I'm personally not for that one, so let's move on to the next option. He could control our every thought, our every emotion, our every motive, our every action. Because he's God, he could do it in such a way that we would feel as if we had free will.
We would be the products of a divinely create illusion, a utopia. This version would be a planet-wide version of the Stepford Wives, you know the place where everything is perfect because you really can't choose for yourself. I'm not for a world where we do not have free will, where choosing is an illusion. I am personally grateful that God has created us as thinking creatures with the capacity to choose.
For God to create us in such a way that we can choose that which is good, true, and beautiful, he must also allow us the freedom to choose that which is corrupt, false, and destructive.
Most of us want God to fix every wrong choice we make without taking us from our right to choose wrongly. We want to make God into our own personal pooper-scooper following right behind us, cleaning up our mess. God lets us make our bed and makes us lie in it.
There is another oprion, however. Given that there is a God, he cares about humanity, and he is deeply troubled by the human condition, how could God proceed to actively engage the human dilemma? If God refuses to take from us our free will and if he refuses to leave the world in its present condition, what can he do?
Here's is an interesting possibility: He could change our hearts. He could take us through a process that would move us from greed to altruism, that would move us from indifference to compassion, that would move us from hate to love, that would move us from apathy to activism. If he could change us, he could change the world (other version: By changing us, he can change the world).
There was once a Roman citizen name Saul of Tarsus who was a religious fanatic and murderer, and he eventually had an encounter with Jesus Christ. He is best known as Paul. He turned from a life of condemnation and violence to becoming a champion of love, hope, and faith.
It may seem way too simple, but the world will change when we change.

Well cyberspace what do you think?

Pride or jealously

2008-12-02T07:39:00.000-08:00

At what point is it acceptable for a man to stretch/run with his shirt off? I ask this because prior to the Turkey Trot, some dude was there stretching with his shirt off. Now it is milder in AZ than most of the US but it was in the mid 40s is my guess 45min prior to the run. And here is this guy who is built like a brick sh*t house stretching topless, and the rest of us are shivering our butts off. To make it doubly worse, he stood on top of a pickup truck looking into the crowd, for someone, I maintain he was looking for no one, just being the tough loner type. I don't even want to tell you he ran it probably 15min faster than me.
I was overdressed with my long sleeved technical shirt, should have gone with a t-shirt but shirtless. I don't know maybe it inspires him. What say you?

There are no clouds in Phoenix 99% of the time

2008-11-25T14:59:00.000-08:00

Well I made it 12miles in the sun!!! I didn't think I was going to finish it before I started. Didn't get a good night sleep secondary to eating a lot and for some reason the shot of tequila I had didn't start burning in my throat until the next morning. My problem last year was I wasn't accustomed to running in the sun and I cramped totally. You wouldn't think it would be a problem here in January but the sun is hot as evidenced by the mini tan I got on Sunday. The pic on Facebook shows me after the run and you can see the salt lines. I swear there is a temperature difference depending on what side of the street I was on, housing and concrete equal heat sink, an empty field a Godsend.
I am slightly troubled by the smell of ammonia I get when running a long distance I get in my nasal passages, something tells me it is muscle tissue breaking down. That or I am dehydrated. That would explain the HA later.

Battle wounds

2008-11-23T20:07:00.001-08:00

That looks much better now a week later than it did the day after, and the discomfort yeah not good either. There is a point where you can wear boxers and loose fitting t-shirts and be ok, that can vary though I guess on your cantor when you run. The good thing was I didn't know I abraded my nips until after I got home and saw the blood on my shirt and got in the shower, then yeow! Its funny the other day I ran and fell in the first mile or two, then had a rock in my shoe for about 5miles and cut the shit out of my Achilles, but sometimes the pain distracts you and keeps you going. Well thats the past and today was a new day with different challenges. Will post that in a day or so. Hopefully this won't bore you all to death.

Still running

2007-12-04T07:26:00.001-08:00

Well am still on the program, did 16on sunday, it was dark and muddy. Knees pretty sore all of Sunday, but less pain overall with running compared to last time I tried 16. Skipped my recovery run this am, maybe tonight. Its funny last mile of my long run its like my body forgot how to run, felt very awkward. However the last 1/4 of the mile felt more or less normal. I felt great for miles 6-12 then kind of hit a wall, maybe mental maybe need to consume some calories with run. Not drinking much either, taking 20oz bottle with me and have had plenty left after, trying to hydrate more the night before.

Some Downfalls or early AM running

2007-11-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

Running in the morning has it's advantages, it wakes you up and gives you a boost of energy and you are done with it, no juggling schedules and it is serene. The obvious disadvantages are it's hard to get up especially early and people are often asleep when they are driving. What is something I forget about or had forgotten about is even when you are mentally awake and physical moving skeletal muscles, your smooth muscles tend to take a little longer wake up. Things begin to move, peristalsis happens. Thats not a good thing, well it is but not when you are running. Made it though happened around mile 2, it went away at miles 3-5 with concentration but was kind enough to return on my cool down, maybe the change from sympathetic to parasympathetic nervous systems. So all you new runners or those going to the am shift, memo to yourself. Put your hand inside the puppet head. TMBG.

Running redux

2007-10-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

Second running day, only 5miles, but its hard to get up and run when it's dark out. Ah but its cool. No aches no pains, life is good. Gotta watch my appetite, as miles increase it is easier to justify eating more and more. And you get hungry after running a couple of hours. I heard it said, don't train for a marathon to lose weight, lose weight with shorter runs and then train for a marathon. Vincit omnia veritas.
Songs I am listening to currently
1.) Such Great Heights - the Postal Service (Just a cool love song)
2.) Aerials - System of a Down (2-4 examination of faith and Christ in secular music)
3.) In Your Honor- Foo Fighters
4.) Given to Fly - Pearl Jam
5.) Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town - Pearl Jam (Emotion)
6.) Crazy - Gnarls Barkley (I want something more from this song, still in rotation)
7.) A Long December - Counting Crows
8.) The Lark Ascending Or -DCB (Can't get it out of my head)
9.) Miracle Drug - U2 (Compelling story behind song, used to hate it)
10.) The Best of You - Foo Fighters (My son sings with it so it's cool)

A couple of notes on songs in commericals. Everytime I heard the Outback steakhouse ditty "lets go outback tonight or whatever it sounded eerily familiar. It's a song by Of Montreal (with the lyrics changed, obviously) The other is the M&M commerical using "This is the Day" by The The, not the kind of song you'd want for a candy unless you're talking about fighting addiction.

Song

2007-10-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

Typically there are many layers to a song and usually they don't tell a point by point story. So forgive me if I take some freedom with my interpretations. I am going to use a song to try and illustrate a point regarding Jesus' death on the cross. (As previous if I can link the songs I will). I've started letting i-tunes randomly putting music on my mp3 player when I run or do yard work or whatever. So I am running and I hear "I started a joke that started the whole world crying. But I didn't see that the joke was on me" and on it goes, whatever, then I hear the last verse and I have to restart and listen to the song again. Here are the lyrics that struck me.

I started to cry
That started the whole world laughing
Oh, if I'd only seen
That the joke was on me

'Till I finally died
That started the whole world living
Oh, if I'd only seen
That the joke was on me

I mean it's a stretch but it reminds me of Jesus. Its an anthropomorphism (attributing a human characteristic/trait to a non-human)but I imagine Jesus thinking: "I died for you, and this is what I get, hatred, apathy, idolatry, egoism. Stop sinning, and you who think I'm a fairytale, why I outta". I'd be like WTF!

Are we still driving nails in his hands, spitting in his face and mocking him? A change is needed. I am amazed at how much ill will still exists in the world, maybe Nietzsche was right in some regard God is dead. Off my soapbox until my next rant.

Off again

2007-10-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a long time since I last posted. My brother has offered to pay my entrance into the RR Marathon in Jan. Just started running again, it's been a long layoff, hopefully I can make it to the race in one piece. Got some inspiration from an article in Runners World, about dedicating each mile to pray 26 different prayers for people.

Jesus of Suburbia

2007-06-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Land of make believe and it don't believe in me"

I like Green Day, and I like this song. Some part of me had trouble with it, and another part of me said mellow out man. I don't know what Billie Joe Armstrong had in mind when he wrote this song but I have found my own meaning in this song. Hopefully I can link to this song so you all listen to it, we'll see. Unfortunately my computer saavy is not so saavy anymore. My suggestion is listen to the song if you aren't familiar with it then read the lyrics, you know even better might be watching the video it will give you a sketch of who the protagonist is. The video is R rated, but I thinks it paints a fairly accurate picture or a lot of kids lives. Odds are you know these kids or at least you see kids (and when I say kids I mean people under 30 for the most part, hey I am old(er) give me a break) who seem to not believe in anything. The song does have some F bombs so use your discretion.

Ok here goes my mini-deconstruction. What do you think of when you hear the word Suburbia? I think of living together in isolation, homogonized life, Desperate Housewives but not so over the top. I think superficial, contrived individuality, a slave to the material, a loss of identity lending itself to narcisism. Well I guess this is my view of our "society" in "general". Jimmy Carter ala the Simpsons had it correct "Malaise Forever". Carter , Simpsons

Ok with that out of the way
You know what this really doesn't need to be broken down. The more I think about it just read the lyrics. There are five parts the the song and are diffentiated.

Jesus Of Suburbia

I'm the son of rage and love
The Jesus of suburbia
From the bible of none of the above
On a steady diet of soda pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my sins in hell
As far as I can tell

At least the ones I got away with
But there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me
Get my television fix sitting on my crucifix
The living room in my private womb
While the moms and brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane
To keep me insane and doing someone else's cocaine
But there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

City of the damned

At the center of the earth
In the parking lot
Of the 7-11 were I was taught
The motto was just a lie
It says home is were your heart is
But what a shame
Cause everyone's heart
Doesn't beat the same
It's beating out of time
City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
city of the damned
lost children with there dirty faces today
no one really seems to care

I read the graffiti
In the bathroom stall
Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much
But it only confirmed that
The center of the earth
Is the end of the world
And I could really care less
City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
city of the damned
lost children with there dirty faces today
no one really seems to care

I don't care

I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't care (x4)

Everyone is so full of shit
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the middle east
We are the stories and disciples
Of the Jesus of suburbia
Land of make believe
And it don't believe in me
Land of make believe
And I don't believe
And I don't care! (x5)

Dearly beloved

Dearly beloved are you listening?
I cant remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse

Tales of another broken home

To live and not to breathe
Is to die in tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist

So I run
I run away

To the light of masochist
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
And I walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time

I don't feel any shame
I won't apologize

When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home

Why should people believe in Christ if those who purport to be 'little Christs' don't show the love of Jesus?

Updated 7/6/07
***Didn't read all of article below, but cull from it what you will***
Jesus of the Cul-de-sac

Running updated.

2007-06-08T08:01:00.000-07:00

Well I made my 16mile run (Mother's Day) and it was really good, until the last two or three miles. I didn't make 18 (made it 14) and didn't try 20. My body wasn't handling the abuse I was giving it. That however wasn't the limiting factor. What killed it was me, I have an obligation to my family and it was getting lost. Getting up at 3:30 so I could be done at about 6-7am killed me. (Maybe in winter I'll try again when the sun isn't up at 5am). Not to mention the fact that with the long runs I would be sore for the rest of the day. And believe me it's no fun playing your 4yr old son when your knees and feet feel like 10miles of bad road.

I have re-started running but am doing the max of a 13mile run periodically, it's far less time. However I have noticed the aches coming back. My problem is I have weak hip muscles which changes my biomechanics as I run. Essentially causing my foot and knee pain, but again I have choosen complacency instead of doing something to address the problem. Maybe today?

As a side note I picked up Seizing you divine moment by Erwin McManus. Talk about your irony. I also found it funny that he mentions Stuck in a moment by U2 in this book, as I wrote about it in a previous entry. Maybe it's some collective mind thought or a mind set from the Holy Spirit or so obvious anyone can see it. Whatever.

Making Up for Lost Time

2007-05-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry this is going to be copyright infringement at its best. It's from Hate Mail from Cheerleaders by Rick Reilly. He does the back page of Sports Illustrated.

"Your blank screen mocks you and the tower of unopened mail pulls at your coat, and you wonder why you didn't go inot the insurance business. And you check in on your snoring 19-year-old son, home from college, and he's rounding noon and heading toward one and you wonder how you missed the typhoon that came through his room.
And so you trudge back to your desk and open a letter. And when you've finished, you go down, kiss your son on the forehead and wonder how you ever got so lucky.

Dear Mr. Reilly or whomever might take the time to read this:
I am not much of a writer, but since about 1996 I have wanted to nominate thiskid for FACES IN THE CROWD.
I should have started will all the junior golf tournamentshe won at ages six to 10. I should have sent in something when he was written up as a golf prodigy in our paper at age 12. I should have sent in something when he go two holes in one in the summer after eighth grade. I should have nominated him for being a three-time state qualifier and holding most all individual scoring records at his high school.
I should have sent in many of his wrestling accomplishments...but I'm having trouble remembering everything.
This young man was my very best friend. We were golfing partners for 16 yrears. You see, this young man was my son.
He was killed in a motorcycle accident.
So what I am doing to honor him is nominate Cory Lemke for FACES IN THE CROWD.
Cory's real accomplishments were being the best friend a guy could ask for, the most loving and best son a father could ask for and a truly gentle and loving kid with the greatest smile in these United States.
I don't know how I will cope without him. I hurt so much, and I miss him so much, just to talk or to watch sports together. God, I love d that boy so much!!
Please accept this nomination!!
Mark Lemke-Cory's Father

You call him. He's a 51-year-old truck driver in Sheldon, Iowa. He's on the road four or five days a week, just him and his rig and his sorrow.
Even on the phone, you can tell he's one of those tough guys who's not used to fighting off tears. And you can hear that he's losing.
He tells you how he and Cory played video golf together or watched the Vikings or just shoot the bull. How his son gave him 16 shots the last time they played and still took $20 off the old man.
He remembers telling the kid that night, July 7, as Cory left to go to a car show in Hull, "Get some sleep, buddy. You gotta play tomorrow." And later: the phone ringing and the sickening cry in his wife Maud's voice from the kitchen, moaning, "Is he dead?"
He didn't even wait to see what it was, he just sprinted to his car and floored it to Hull. But he couldn't get there fast enough because Cory was as good as dead the seecond he hit that van. "No brain activity at all." the doctor said. Great idea. Let me test-drive your motorcycle. No helmet. Kids.
The next morning they unplugged the respirator. On the way home he picked up his cell and played Cory's last message-"Got us a tee time Sunday over at Spencer," Cory says. "Let's leave at 7:30. Gonna kick your butt."
God, that Sunday moring came down hard on the big truck driver. He just sat in his chair, numb, like somebody'd cut off his arms. And Maud walded in, tears pooling in her eyes, holding out the car keys. "You better go," she whispered. "He'd want you to."
And he did. He pulled his two-ton heart out of that chair and mummy-walked through 18 holes, because buddies don't let each other down. And all the way he ached about all the things he never said or did for his son. And later on he took out his pen and paper and fixed one of them.

38

2007-04-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

See those commercials for ESPN where the guy confesses he has been talking out of his butt. Well I am guilty. Doing 14miles on Sunday kicked my butt. 38 miles is well on the back burner. I won't say it is out of the realm of possibility but I need to deal with where I am at, and not where I think I want to be. Reality kicked in.
The run was bad from the start and if it got better, it didn't last long. Usually there are points in my run where I get lost in the run, I have solitude. Didn't happen yesterday. I felt every step of that run in my joints. It started at mile one and continued on until, well Monday. I couldn't escape the present, the truth of where I was. I felt alone with only my pain as companion. I didn't feel God with me in the usual places I had found Him. I don't doubt he was there and is with me always but I didn't connect. Either I got too big for my britches and was more ego driven or I was being nudged out the nest like a bird on its first flight.

I made it though. I am here no worse for the wear, did my recovery run on Tues without issue. This is actually my recovery week so I get a break before I do 16....

Flash forward this is the week of 16. Just ran once last week. I needed the rest physically and mentally, but I think I probably should have run at least one more day in the past seven, oh well. I don't know what to expect this Sunday. My mindset will be different going into this run this time. We'll see what happens.

Addendum 5/9/07 I'm thinking I should add a hyphen to the title 38 - Running with the devil. I'll wait until after my long run this weekend.

Running with God part iii

2007-04-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

Here I am staring at the t.v., nothing is on but that doesn't stop. I am determined to see something other than my distorted reflection. I am trying to see through myself to see who lives there. Can I see Jesus in my reflection? Do you remember the video for "Cry" by Godley and Cream(?) the guys from 10cc or maybe more recently, not really recent, the "Black &/or White" video by Michael Jackson? Basically one image of a face transforms into another into another. That's what I am looking for.
All I see is my blank image staring back at me. Me, bouncing slightly up and down. If I did see Jesus staring back at me I'd fall off the treadmill in shock or at the very least be hallucinating face down on the ground. Regardless of the consquences and the absurdity or impropriety I still try. But that is just one of the mind games I perform trying to keep my mind off of being on a treadmill. The thing is I am training for a marathon, I'll be "ready" the weekend of my 38th birthday. The problem is I live in Phoenix and there are no marathons here in summer. However that's neither here nor there, training as I am, I follow a prescribed plan. I have to keep a pace, or should I say I choose to keep a certain pace, I am compelled to do so because I trust the developers of the program more than myself. Therefore I run a 9:40mile pace for anywhere from 3-7miles, there is some variation on different days but I still have a pace. I take a little more liberty when I am outside, I go for a comfortable tunover. There is something tormenting to being restricted to going at a specific speed for a specific distance.
Go faster, just get it over with, this is stupid, you're not tired, go faster.

On and on it goes in my head but I keep my pace. What else can I do to make the time go faster?

I see the band moving under my feel and see the time and distance increasing but I haven't gone anywhere.

There is nothing worse than watching the passing of time and nothing having tangible transpire. Sorry little red readouts of the miles I've done or the calories I burned are not physical realities, however they have gravitas. Mucho gravitas, they are truth, more real than the distance covered beneath my feet. Unvarnished, undiluted, punch you in the face kind of truth, the kind you ask for but in reality don't want to hear.

You may not feel like you're going anywhere, you are, you just aren't as far as you thought you were, plus you got a long way to go and oh yeah, you're not in control, you gave that up.

Waiting on God, nothing tangible is happening, nothing you can grab and say look everybody look.

When I am running on a treadmill, I detest it, I feel like I am running to standstill (thanks Bono). But I know I am burning calories, I am improving my cardiovascular system and I am training my body for greater things, it doesn't make things easier, just bearable.

God it's ironic one of the songs I listen to while running is "Stuck in a moment" by U2. I never looked at the lyrics before today, well that's probably not true, I guess I just noticed their relevance. Here is the chorus, but the best part is the last two lines.

"You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it"

"It's just a moment
This time will pass"

God is truth, believe the truth it won't lie to you.

Running with God part ii

2007-04-23T13:30:00.001-07:00

Another thing I read in Runner's World is the current belief (based on a study) is your body sends messages to your muscles to quit working long before they are depleted of energy to contract. They wondered why people could have a increase in performance (or speed) when they were in the final mile of a race. Apparently your brain is processing so much information and it tries to protect itself from harm. However this can be over rided. I haven't run many races but the first two I ran it took all I had to finish, sprinting why may it worse I'm tired enough. But the last two races I've run I have had that burst of energy to finish the race. Either way, knowing there was an end in sight provided me with relief.
Running and God. When we are going through trials in our lives at some level we know there is an end. At times we see the finish line and othertimes, well we know its beyond the horizon somewhere. For instance this weekend I ran 11 miles, it was challenging and I could have(I should have) run longer. Around the 8th mile I had to focus more on every stride I took and not on the remaining distance I had to cover. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right... I knew I could cover the distance, but I didn't find it beneficial to count down the miles I had left. By paying attention to my stride I saw the ground I was covering, not what lay ahead of me. I knew if I just kept moving one foot in front of the other I would finish the run. By the time I came to my last mile I could focus on what was left. If I didn't change my mindset I would have probably stopped or at least been drained mentally and and therefore physically.
At times we have to stop thinking about what we have been through and the road that lies ahead. We need to concentrate on taking one step at a time, knowing we will cross the finish line. By focusing on that single step you will still notice your progress as the road passes under your feet. Small changes will occur around you and your step becomes ligher and breathing easier. Some of the your burden will be lifted. Eventually you'll know when you are close to the end, and then you can find relief that you will be done.

Was there ever a doubt?

At the crossroads

2007-04-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

My current thought process is this. At sometime in our life we are made hyper-aware of the world we live in and all it's suffering. Our soul is agonizing and we are oblivious to this turmoil. We don't see God in the world, we only feel the pain, the senseless pain. We feel insignificant. We are put at a crossroads here, and unless you view it as such, you will never know you chose a path. Here is where you decide either to ignore the pain in your soul or you listen. Here is where people fall away, be it drugs, violence, sex, narcissism to stop the pain or insignificance they feel. When you listen to your soul you suffer, anguish, pick your adjective. Some choice, huh. This suffering brings us closer to God, and not in the la la la everything is beautiful way. I don't think it's meant to be comfortable. You, everything that makes you you is being sifted. The choice of choosing Jesus is an easy choice, the hard part is to live the life and continue to follow him.
This whole VT shooting thing has me really bothered. This is going to sound terrible but it's not because of the people who were killed.(I do feel bad for the families). I can't imagine what it would be like to have a child or a spouse killed senselessly. But I realize once you are born you will die (but it is in our control to provide dignity, compassion and love throughout someones life). However what causes my soul to ache is this should have never happened. I am not talking about gun control or even keeping him locked in a mental facility. What I am talking about is being your brother's keeper, loving your neighbor as yourself, compassion. Evil exists because we allow it to exist, it starts so small we ignore it and even accept it as normal. When evil has set its roots and it manifests itself, then people pray about it, and well more than likely it's too late. We had the chance to expose it to the light and nip it in the bud.
We have been given freewill, we freely choose to ignore evil until it's inconvenient. We don't live the way Jesus told us to live. We expect God to do what we are unwilling to do. It's all to easy to say something is God's will when things go wrong in the world. We fail to see the power we have, we fail to see our significance.
Evil permeates the world and it's effects touch everyones life regardless of the life they lived or have yet to live. I don't expect God to do something until we start to change the way we live.

Scratching the itch you can't scratch

2007-04-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

Originally composed on 4/20/07
Right now I am suffering, and I am making my family suffer. I should not be doing this, but I have been. I realized that today. (see crossroads) There is so much inhumanity in the world and people and being led astray to their eternal death and here I am being a thorn in my wife's side. This whole Cho thing has really gotten to me, more so than 911 or anything else in recent memory. I feel terrible for the victims and their friends, families and associates. I can not imagine having my spouse or child taken away from me by something that should have never happened. However I also feel sorry for the shooter himself and those who knew him. Here is where I sound like a jerk if you don't understand my thought process of if my view is taken out of context. (Like I said, this never should have happend). We all die, we do not live on this earth forever. We have very limited control of how long we will live. However we should all be treated with compassion and respect while we are living on this earth. Cho was never treated as such, as well as millions of other people in this country and around the world. Why? Why do we do this? Why do we push and push and push? This should have never happened but I understand why it did.

Running with God part i

2007-04-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went for what was supposed to be a 12mile run, miscalculated and only went 11. Still it is the longest I've run but (or should I say jogged) I wanted the 12 and it makes me mad I didn't. I enjoy running to an extent I look forward to it, that is until the morning when I have to get up and do it. It takes me a few miles before I begin to enjoy the run. I read in Runner's World you should rate how you feel before you run and rate how you feel after you run. Ratings go from a negative five to a positive five. When I wake up to run I am in the negative, but when I am done I always feel better a plus 3 at least(even today after missing my goal.) What's bizzare is on days when I don't run I feel like man I should have run or I should run later. Even more sick is later after I run and have recovered I feel like running again. It's the same thing with my walk with God. There are many times I don't even want to touch a Bible especially when I need one. However when I do my attitude is changed and I want to read more, not only the Bible but I also seek other sources of inspritational material. Try the Runner's World rating system with your spiritual walk, see what happens.

The power of the tounge

2007-04-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

I have read on numerous sites the reasons for why the VT shooter did what he did. People would rather blame video games, guns, violent play, whatever the flavor of the week is. I posit we as a community are to blame for events like this and the Columbine boys. By all accounts these kids were teased and bullied from an early age through their adolecense. They never fit in. What should have been the innocence of childhood was destroyed. Imagine only hearing criticism and being ostracized by your peers, for what, being yourself. Imagine this not stopping as you got older. Now remember being a teen and how awkward life was. Now add on to that being a minority. I am sure all of us can remember a time when we were being teased and how it made us feel. How does it make you feel now after all these years? Still get a little hot under the collar? Regardless we are shaped by our experiences it makes us who we are.
These kids had no chance, all they knew from when they were little was hate. Their parents may have loved them but how far does that go. If your peers, your community doesn't accept you, but ridicules you, what left? How can you learn to love when it isn't reciprocated, what hope do you have when torment doesn't end and you have no where to turn. Hate and despair fill the void in their lives.
So why are we as a society to blame for this. This has nothing to protecting our children from "the real world" and failure and consequences for our actions, they were not coddled, they were thrust into the ugliest part of human nature. They full well knew the consequences of their actions, they didn't care. Why should they care about a world that didn't care about them? Additionally they didn't kill themselves because of any great remorse, they killed themselves because they didn't see the point in life. It's because we are selfish, we live only for ourselves. There are senior citizens who don't want to pay taxes to build schools since they never had kids or their children are out of school. You have a study that say kids born in 1982 are the most narcissistic generation ever. Just wait until they have kids, think society is going to hell now. These boys were not born killers nor did they appear out of thin air, they were formed by society, a society of our creation. One of our kids will know the next Cho, maybe it is your child's classmate who is teased every day or the "weird" kid next door. Maybe its your own child, sorry but they have to be somebody's kid.
What are we going to do to stop this cycle of violence? Simple nothing new: Love. Not the love you may have for chocolate, but agape*. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. For all you atheist's obviously ignore the first part, but follow the second part. Get involved in your children's and their friend's lives. Encourage your children to befriend the "different" kids. Teach them compassion and acceptance. Live not just for yourself but for others, befriend the disenfranchised, serve others, make a difference, save a life. There is a world out there that won't change by itself. We have to fill the void.

*(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agape)